Twilight Rant

This deserves to go up here. It's been on Facebook and it's been published in the paper, but I love it and think the message and wording is some of my best.



For the life of me, I can’t seem to fathom the epidemic that the “Twilight” series has instilled in people all over the nation. You may have noticed that I did not refer to it as a saga, because in my mind, it does not classify as one. Curious as to the real definition of the term, I looked it up. A “saga” is a narrative that has been developed by age - which of course the ramblings of Stephenie Meyer have not. The first book wasn’t published until 2005, and the hype didn’t start right away, giving the novels less than a three year window to snow ball into a so-called “saga.”

“Lord of the Rings” is a saga – something that was written and read by generations before being butchered on the big screen by Peter Jackson. However, the books are still nearly timeless and deserve the distinction of a “saga.” I wouldn’t even define Harry Potter as one, as it too hasn’t been around long enough. Although comparatively, I put it far above Meyer’s dribble.

And before I get fan girls (and boys, alike) crawling over me with accusations of ignorance, I have attempted to read the books and I have begrudgingly partaken in the viewing of both movies. I got through the first few chapters of “Twilight,” since all four of the books were forced upon me in a not-so-caring-package from my mother and brother. After even that little amount of reading, I felt my eyes drifting off the page in boredom and a slight trickle of my brain matter seeping from my ear.

I’m not one to say that I could write better, but Meyer’s diction, syntax and lack of over-all description and thought into her words and choppy sentences made me question the book’s merit. Call me an English snob, but I can’t stand it. I’ve heard from people who have read through the entire series that the writing improves throughout, particularly the fourth novel, but it’s something I’m not willing to check for myself.

I understand the audience for which it is aimed, but why on earth are girls and even boys my age and older falling head over heels for this lack-luster fairy tale?

The characters, both in novel and movie form, are unrealistic. I’m not talking about the existence of vampires and werewolves, although if you believe they’re real, you go ahead and think that. I’m referring to the plot and main subject of the series, namely love and its troubles. As true as some of those obstacles might be, how realistic is that a girl would not only find one overly-caring and utterly perfect boy to love her completely, but two?

That said, I’m not bashing or questioning the intentions of young men. However, I am arguing the point that the series instills an unattainable expectation of men in relationships in girls of all ages. There is no doubt a line between fiction and realism, but it’ll be in the back of their minds no matter what they might go through.

Facebook is plastered with “Flair” application buttons that read “I want to find my Edward” or “Edward, take me away,” stemming from this unrealistic portrait that Meyer paints of a man’s role in a relationship. Oh yeah, because that’s healthy.

As I said, I did go see “New Moon” in theaters, on the opening day no less. I will admit, however, that I only did so because it was a better alternative to sitting in my room watching movies by myself on a Friday night.
When I was telling people I was going to see the new “Twilight” movie, I was corrected more than once that it was “’New Moon’, not ‘Twilight,’” in such a way that you might have thought I had badmouthed Jesus in Jerusalem. Terribly sorry to anyone I might have offended; I didn’t realize that there is now a “Twi-ism” religion.

The movie had some good points, I will admit. I enjoyed Edward reciting Shakespeare, mainly because I’m a hopeless English geek. I also enjoyed the fight scenes between the good vampires and the creepy vampires in Italy. The production and special effects in that scene were pretty awesome. It was also interesting to see Dakota Fanning all grown up and in a role that broke her long type-casted career.

With the good always comes the bad. There were a few scenes in the movie that were probably supposed to be genuine and serious, but succeeded in making me laugh out loud. This of course, earned me hisses and glares from devout “Twi-istic” audience members. The scene in which Edward and Bella were running in slow motion through the sun-patched forest path and both individuals were glittering as they glanced over their shoulders and shared a loving gaze made me giggle uncontrollably. I didn’t know the series shared directors with Baywatch.

The ending of the film made me gag. Perhaps I am the atheistic equivalent to the “Twi-istic” religion, but I once again started to laugh at the unfathomable turn of events. Getting married as a senior in high school is never a good idea, no matter if you’re planning on becoming immortal or not. Once again, this inspires young girls that this idea is completely acceptable. In some cases it is, but with rash reasoning is never a sound choice – remember what happened to Romeo and Juliet.
My opinions thus developed and clear, I invite all “Twi-istic” persons to defend their stances on the merit of the films and books. I’m completely and utterly curious as to why people enjoy being a part of this sparkling pandemic.