This song came on my Pandor shuffle yesterday, an dit almost made me cry. It really shouldn't, since things have been resolved and I know what's going on... but you can't deny the argument going on in one's head.
I've been trying not to love you
I've been putting up a fight
I've been barely holding on
And letting go with all my might
There's a part of me that's empty
I know only love can fillI'm afraid
I'll never find it
And I'm scared to death I will
Help me fall
Help me fall
If you care for me at all
Help me fallHelp me fall
I've been holding conversations
When I haven't said a word
I've been speaking with my silence
And praying that you heard
I'm a walking contradiction
I'd hate to be my heart
It keeps trying not to love you
But it don't know where to start
Help me fall
Help me fall
If you care for me at all
Help me fallHelp me fall
I've got to learn to re-trust
To turn me into us
And I really don't know if I can again
Help me fall
Help me fall
If you care for me at all
Help me fall
Help me fall
I've been trying not to love you
I've been putting up a fight
I've been barely holding on
Letting go with all my might
Friday, July 24, 2009
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Realization Babble
There's a harsh realization that people more often than not experience at some time in their lives, whether it be during a gut-wrenching emotional time, or even in a time when it seems like everythign is going their way. This wonderful little life-altering epiphany can range from "sock in the stomach" to "well, damn," but usually, and I use the word loosely, results in some sort of change in understanding and action.
For the life of me, I can't put it into words that would simplify the whole meaning, as that would be entirely too easy for people to shoot down. "Well, Jessie, you know that you're just overly-philosophical," they might say, "and you're just coming up with his because you yourself are going through a hard time. It doesn't mean that it's a universal idea." (That's part of the problem, words, as strong as they can be in some instances, can fail in others. They put too much of a brand on things and can narrow the spectrum of what is really trying to be conveyed to a point where the true meaning and thoughts are lost completely to the ignorant and arrogant populous in which we all reside).
Anyway, this realization woudl include watching, wanting, hoping for something for so long, and finally knowing htat you'll never have in the way you want it. Granted, most of life is about disappointment, and hardly ever will you get what you want exactly, but what I'm talking about is slightly different. It's the feeling you feel during. When you want to be so much a part of something, and share in everything, cause happiness and share in that too. Where you are constantly an outsider looking in, and realize that you're always going to just outside the circles that you so desperately just want to be a part of - not to be like everyone else, but just to have that foundation that you've missed out on in every other aspect of your life. When all you can do is receive what you want in untangible ways that aren't nearly as satisfying as if you could acually, plysically and emotionally get the gratification of having it in stone, or skin to skin, or pen on paper.
The feeling of finding something so perfect that describes something, but no one understand it on the same angle or even the same plane. The feeling is one that weighs upon you, because there's nothing you can do about it, not directly anyway. There's no way to change what ended up being chiseled in stone when it's not what you wanted, or even close. There's no way to change minds that don't want to be changed, or that life has otherwise altered in ways that are unavoidable. That's why people change. To get away and get another change on a different venue, or a different life, if you will. Why people stop one thing and move on to another. Why people change aspects of themselves when no one has outright asked or hinted at them doing so. Sometimes it's for the better. Sometimes it's for the second chance at another thing.
All the same, the feeling that everyone feels in all these instances is what everyone experiences. This feeling is unbiased to age, race, occupation, place of status in life, anything that might normally divide us emotionally viable beings. The happiest man on earth might not experience them. But if he's happy enough to not experience and go through normal human emotions, then what's the point of that? I'm not saying these kinds of thoguths or changes are anywhere near sought after or desirable, but it's all part of it. Those who have gone through them, hopefully, in every aspect of life, have ended up in a better place.
Or so we can only hope, since it sucks so fucking bad before and while it's happening.
Maybe I am being over-philosophical, since if I had to self-diagnose, I would be in this state. Maybe it's because I feel things are so futile. Or maybe because my smile is just a smile.
Currently listening:Dust in the WindBy KansasRelease date: 2003
For the life of me, I can't put it into words that would simplify the whole meaning, as that would be entirely too easy for people to shoot down. "Well, Jessie, you know that you're just overly-philosophical," they might say, "and you're just coming up with his because you yourself are going through a hard time. It doesn't mean that it's a universal idea." (That's part of the problem, words, as strong as they can be in some instances, can fail in others. They put too much of a brand on things and can narrow the spectrum of what is really trying to be conveyed to a point where the true meaning and thoughts are lost completely to the ignorant and arrogant populous in which we all reside).
Anyway, this realization woudl include watching, wanting, hoping for something for so long, and finally knowing htat you'll never have in the way you want it. Granted, most of life is about disappointment, and hardly ever will you get what you want exactly, but what I'm talking about is slightly different. It's the feeling you feel during. When you want to be so much a part of something, and share in everything, cause happiness and share in that too. Where you are constantly an outsider looking in, and realize that you're always going to just outside the circles that you so desperately just want to be a part of - not to be like everyone else, but just to have that foundation that you've missed out on in every other aspect of your life. When all you can do is receive what you want in untangible ways that aren't nearly as satisfying as if you could acually, plysically and emotionally get the gratification of having it in stone, or skin to skin, or pen on paper.
The feeling of finding something so perfect that describes something, but no one understand it on the same angle or even the same plane. The feeling is one that weighs upon you, because there's nothing you can do about it, not directly anyway. There's no way to change what ended up being chiseled in stone when it's not what you wanted, or even close. There's no way to change minds that don't want to be changed, or that life has otherwise altered in ways that are unavoidable. That's why people change. To get away and get another change on a different venue, or a different life, if you will. Why people stop one thing and move on to another. Why people change aspects of themselves when no one has outright asked or hinted at them doing so. Sometimes it's for the better. Sometimes it's for the second chance at another thing.
All the same, the feeling that everyone feels in all these instances is what everyone experiences. This feeling is unbiased to age, race, occupation, place of status in life, anything that might normally divide us emotionally viable beings. The happiest man on earth might not experience them. But if he's happy enough to not experience and go through normal human emotions, then what's the point of that? I'm not saying these kinds of thoguths or changes are anywhere near sought after or desirable, but it's all part of it. Those who have gone through them, hopefully, in every aspect of life, have ended up in a better place.
Or so we can only hope, since it sucks so fucking bad before and while it's happening.
Maybe I am being over-philosophical, since if I had to self-diagnose, I would be in this state. Maybe it's because I feel things are so futile. Or maybe because my smile is just a smile.
Currently listening:Dust in the WindBy KansasRelease date: 2003
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