I've been told that I have an interested trait, one that could be the death of me or make me a saint. it's come up on a more than a few occasions, as of late, it's been named something that, as sacrilegious as it may be, fits.
One of my dad's co-workers called it the "Messiah Complex," namely stating in name that my actions and wants center around other people in such a way that I feel I need to and can help and save everyone, of course taking its base from that of Jesus Christ, who did save everyone, yadda yadda yadda.
I guess it fits. I dive into things to help people headfirst, not caring about the emotional or physical affects they have upon myself. There are matters and problems, however, which can't be ignored. I don't understand how other people, even if they're not familiar with the situation, can sit on the sidelines and watch. I guess I relate it to people who have CPR certification - if they stand by and watch someone suffer or die and not perform the procedure, they can be charged with a felony or neglect because they had the ability and knowledge to help, but didn't. In the instances of which I'm talking, we don't always have the knowledge to help, but more often than not, we have the ability.
I just find that I have the ability to help anyone who asks or if an event presents itself.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Better?
I don't know what to even say. I have had so many thoughts, shed needless, stupid tears over things out of my control. And yet, all I can do is try harder.
I don't quite understand why. But it's true. It's what I do. All I can do is follow what I feel is right, whether or not it ends up with me hurt once again. Because if I don't, chances are it will hurt even more than if it backfired.
I don't quite understand why. But it's true. It's what I do. All I can do is follow what I feel is right, whether or not it ends up with me hurt once again. Because if I don't, chances are it will hurt even more than if it backfired.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Damn songs
Really, I'm not even trying anymore. It just happens!
When people keep repeating
That you'll never fall in love
When everybody keeps retreating
But you can't seem to get enough
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
To your heart
When everything feels all over
When everybody seems unkind
I'll give you a four-leaf clover
Take all the worry out of your mind
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
To your heart I have the only key to your heart
I can stop you falling apart
Try today, you'll find this way
Come on and give me a chance to say
Let my love open the door
It's all I'm living for
Release yourself from misery
Only one thing's gonna set you free
That's my love
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
To your heart
When tragedy befalls you
Don't let them bring you down
Love can cure your problem
You're so lucky I'm around
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
To your heart
When people keep repeating
That you'll never fall in love
When everybody keeps retreating
But you can't seem to get enough
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
To your heart
When everything feels all over
When everybody seems unkind
I'll give you a four-leaf clover
Take all the worry out of your mind
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
To your heart I have the only key to your heart
I can stop you falling apart
Try today, you'll find this way
Come on and give me a chance to say
Let my love open the door
It's all I'm living for
Release yourself from misery
Only one thing's gonna set you free
That's my love
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
To your heart
When tragedy befalls you
Don't let them bring you down
Love can cure your problem
You're so lucky I'm around
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
To your heart
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Again with the military brat-ness
I've been struggling again lately. I guess it's spawned from spending so much time in Martinsville, around my friends who have pretty much spent their whole lives in that town, or close to it, around the same people, all the time. Some of them hate it, I know, because they claim it's boring and you can't get away with anything in a small town.
I would love it.
Sometimes when I'm talking to Josh, he'll reference thing about the past or inside townie jokes, and I just stare at him, so he has to awkwardly explain the whole thing, etc etc. I don't know the town like they do, not the people, its history or anything of the sort. All I know about it is that great people live there, and given the choice, I'd choose a town like that over my big city/suburbs.
I really wish I had that. I mean, Linthicum and my friends from high school are amazing, but I've only lives there the last what, eight years? Before that I was moving around every two years and starting new. That's all well and good, and I am lucky for the chance and experience, but I would love to consider myself stable. Even now, as I'm on campus all summer, I'm lonely as hell, even more so than any other time in my life. It's partly because there's not many people on campus and that I'm far away from home, but also because I don't really have that network. My extended family lives here, but they still are getting to know me, and getting used to the fact that I do infact live close enough to be considered for get togethers. But my immediate family lives 600 miles away.
I can't win, it seems. I'm not going to say that I'll always lose in this aspect, because I would love to one day start my own family and settle them in a place that makes everyone happy, as much as possible. I'm trying not to put a bad spin on things, because God knows that thigns aren't bad for me. I'm used to these kinds of transitions - they're what I grew up with. However, I'm looking forward to the future for things to settle down for me, maybe once and for all.
Maybe.
IRONICALLY "Settlin'" by Sugarland is playing atm. I swear to God, I didn't plan that.
Damn signs. They're everywhere, and I can't avoid them!
I would love it.
Sometimes when I'm talking to Josh, he'll reference thing about the past or inside townie jokes, and I just stare at him, so he has to awkwardly explain the whole thing, etc etc. I don't know the town like they do, not the people, its history or anything of the sort. All I know about it is that great people live there, and given the choice, I'd choose a town like that over my big city/suburbs.
I really wish I had that. I mean, Linthicum and my friends from high school are amazing, but I've only lives there the last what, eight years? Before that I was moving around every two years and starting new. That's all well and good, and I am lucky for the chance and experience, but I would love to consider myself stable. Even now, as I'm on campus all summer, I'm lonely as hell, even more so than any other time in my life. It's partly because there's not many people on campus and that I'm far away from home, but also because I don't really have that network. My extended family lives here, but they still are getting to know me, and getting used to the fact that I do infact live close enough to be considered for get togethers. But my immediate family lives 600 miles away.
I can't win, it seems. I'm not going to say that I'll always lose in this aspect, because I would love to one day start my own family and settle them in a place that makes everyone happy, as much as possible. I'm trying not to put a bad spin on things, because God knows that thigns aren't bad for me. I'm used to these kinds of transitions - they're what I grew up with. However, I'm looking forward to the future for things to settle down for me, maybe once and for all.
Maybe.
IRONICALLY "Settlin'" by Sugarland is playing atm. I swear to God, I didn't plan that.
Damn signs. They're everywhere, and I can't avoid them!
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Courtly Love
I found this, from my Classical and Medieval Literature class this spring. I had looked upon it with scorned and bitter eyes when he handed it out (early in the semester) but now that I have a clear head, a good number of these still apply and make perfect sense, even though it was written around 1175.
I pointed out my favorite ones.
(Remember MAN refers to all humans, in most cases, not just those no good guys. ;))
The Art of Courtly Love
(a.k.a – the rules of the love that we all want, but that makes us sick when we don’t have it)
1. Marriage is no real excuse for not loving.
2. He who is not jealous cannot love.
3. No one can be bound by double love.
4. It is well known that love is always increasing or decreasing.
5. That which a lover takes against his will of his beloved has no relish.
6. Boys do not love until they reach the age of maturity.
7. When one lover dies, a widowhood of two years is required of the survivor.
8. No one should be deprived of love without the very best of reasons.
9. No one can love unless he is impelled by the persuasion of love.
10. Love is always a stranger in the home of avarice.
11. It is not proper to love any woman whom one should be ashamed to seek to marry.
12. A true lover does not desire to embrace in love anyone except his beloved.
13. When made public love rarely endure.
14. The easy attainment of love makes it of little value; difficulty of attainment makes it prized.
15. Every lover regularly turns pale in the presence of his beloved.
16. When a lover suddenly catches sight of his beloved his heart palpitates.
17. A new love puts to flight an old one.
18. Good character alone makes any man worthy of love.
19. If love diminishes, it quickly fails and rarely revives.
20. A man in love is always apprehensive.
21. Real jealousy always increases the feeling of love.
22. Jealousy, and therefore love, are increased when one suspects his beloved.
23. He whom the thought of love vexes, eats and sleep very little.
24. Every act of a lover ends with in the thought of his beloved.
25. A true lover considers nothing good except what he thinks will please his beloved.
26. Love can deny nothing to love.
27. A lover can never have enough of the solaces of his beloved.
28. A slight presumption causes a lover to suspect his beloved.
29. A man who is vexed by too much passion usually does not love.
30. A true lover is constantly and without intermission possessed by the thought of his beloved.
31. Nothing forbids one woman being loved by two men or one man by two women.
I pointed out my favorite ones.
(Remember MAN refers to all humans, in most cases, not just those no good guys. ;))
The Art of Courtly Love
(a.k.a – the rules of the love that we all want, but that makes us sick when we don’t have it)
1. Marriage is no real excuse for not loving.
2. He who is not jealous cannot love.
3. No one can be bound by double love.
4. It is well known that love is always increasing or decreasing.
5. That which a lover takes against his will of his beloved has no relish.
6. Boys do not love until they reach the age of maturity.
7. When one lover dies, a widowhood of two years is required of the survivor.
8. No one should be deprived of love without the very best of reasons.
9. No one can love unless he is impelled by the persuasion of love.
10. Love is always a stranger in the home of avarice.
11. It is not proper to love any woman whom one should be ashamed to seek to marry.
12. A true lover does not desire to embrace in love anyone except his beloved.
13. When made public love rarely endure.
14. The easy attainment of love makes it of little value; difficulty of attainment makes it prized.
15. Every lover regularly turns pale in the presence of his beloved.
16. When a lover suddenly catches sight of his beloved his heart palpitates.
17. A new love puts to flight an old one.
18. Good character alone makes any man worthy of love.
19. If love diminishes, it quickly fails and rarely revives.
20. A man in love is always apprehensive.
21. Real jealousy always increases the feeling of love.
22. Jealousy, and therefore love, are increased when one suspects his beloved.
23. He whom the thought of love vexes, eats and sleep very little.
24. Every act of a lover ends with in the thought of his beloved.
25. A true lover considers nothing good except what he thinks will please his beloved.
26. Love can deny nothing to love.
27. A lover can never have enough of the solaces of his beloved.
28. A slight presumption causes a lover to suspect his beloved.
29. A man who is vexed by too much passion usually does not love.
30. A true lover is constantly and without intermission possessed by the thought of his beloved.
31. Nothing forbids one woman being loved by two men or one man by two women.
Things I do while Carole is busy...
Today at work, I've been working all morning on various things that are important to my position, but of course, when I'm at a standstill and need Carole's help, she has a conference call. not her fault, just poor timing on everything's part.
So at the moment, I'm entertaining myself with my new obsession, thanks to Leah from band, Texts from Last night, the last text you should never have sent. She introduced me to it in Ocean city and I just remembered.
They're a riot. Here are some of my favorites:
"(908): Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
(908): Fuck I'm high."
"(205): woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
(1-205): yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness...."
"(530): shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
(1-530): just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
(530): yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye."
"(724): And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after."
"(847): I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
(773): Too tired to pretend that I care : ( "
"(504): Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to. (This one sounds like Josh!)
"(305): Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D: "
"(918): I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater. "
"(425): Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility."
"(901): I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
(601): Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
(901): ...are you coming on to me?
This is all well and good for keeping me occupied, however, when your boss is on a conference call ten feet away and you're trying to contain your laughter and not roll on the floor, it's probably not a good idea.
So at the moment, I'm entertaining myself with my new obsession, thanks to Leah from band, Texts from Last night, the last text you should never have sent. She introduced me to it in Ocean city and I just remembered.
They're a riot. Here are some of my favorites:
"(908): Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
(908): Fuck I'm high."
"(205): woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
(1-205): yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness...."
"(530): shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
(1-530): just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
(530): yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye."
"(724): And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after."
"(847): I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
(773): Too tired to pretend that I care : ( "
"(504): Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to. (This one sounds like Josh!)
"(305): Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D: "
"(918): I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater. "
"(425): Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility."
"(901): I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
(601): Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
(901): ...are you coming on to me?
This is all well and good for keeping me occupied, however, when your boss is on a conference call ten feet away and you're trying to contain your laughter and not roll on the floor, it's probably not a good idea.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Professionalism at its best
If anyone EVER questions my professionalism or appropriate adult behavior, I swear, they’re either high or caught me on an off day. I think I proved to myself and anyone who knows me just how nice and good natured I am.
Today was the registrations and pre-orientation for the in-coming Freshmen at school. I was working with my boss, who runs a couple of the student organizations, standing around talking to those in-coming students and their parents about the OVS, the IRC, Pathways and OCS. She was also doing a favor for the campus pastor, setting up a station for him. Well, none of us really know anything about the campus ministry stuff, so we were a little lost to do anything other than just put the stuff out.
Well, me always wanting to help people, and also being incredibly observant, realized that one of the Student Orientation Leaders was in on some of the Campus Ministry stuff, at least at the beginning of the year. Talking to someone from school normally isn’t a feat for me, but this girl in particular, I’ve had some run-ins with. She was a first year last year, and let’s just put it that she’s involved with my ex now, the one who broke up with me for said girl.
Anyway, I pulled her aside, which I’m sure was a little awkward and maybe a little scary for her, since the only thing we’ve exchanged since then has been glares and I would occasionally wink at her to make her uncomfortable. I asked her if she would help, and she agreed, not promising how much she would be of use. Apparently there did end up being a conflict, because when she came back, she came and talked to me for a little while about the tour she had just lead as I gave her a piece of the candy we were giving out. (I had already given a piece to all the rest of the SOL’s and it’s not in me to be a bitch that much).
I used her name when I talked to her AND looked her in the eyes. And you know what? It didn’t bother me in the slightest. I guess that I’m completely over the whole situation, and realize that I can’t hate her or dislike her because she’s a human being just like everyone else. Granted, I did love that boy, and granted, she was the catalyst of our breakup, but she’s just trying to be happy like anyone, even if it did hurt me a ton. I still don’t have to respect her very much, but her human status has returned. If she loves him, better for her. I actually think they're a good match.
So, I did the adult thing and asked for help and talked to her. However, I don’t see any movie nights or dates in our future. ;)
Signs, feelings and smack in the face.
I was told a few days ago that you can't change some people's minds, no matter what you do or say. I know this to be true, because nine times out of ten I'm a stubborn ass, but in some cases, if you're the one pressuring, you do have to take a couple steps back and just let things play out on their own, no matter how much it may hurt, annoy or drive you crazy because you can't help. Granted, anyone who knows me knows I cannot stand by and watch someone self destruct, but it happens. Pressuring will only push that person or the situation away further and further.
My problem lies in having to disregard signs. Things that slapped me in the face, sent chills down my spine and made me smile seemingly permanently. And hearing about them on the other side.
Well, I guess, as my hero and idol says, "Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers." Maybe something even better will happen. Hopefully. Just gotta keep that smile. :)
My problem lies in having to disregard signs. Things that slapped me in the face, sent chills down my spine and made me smile seemingly permanently. And hearing about them on the other side.
Well, I guess, as my hero and idol says, "Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers." Maybe something even better will happen. Hopefully. Just gotta keep that smile. :)
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Things that make me laugh:
- People ordering a huge meal at McDonalds and a diet soda OR ordering a non fat or soy latte (because they're lactose intolerant) and then getting gobs of whipped cream on top.
- Hypocrites, although they make me really mad too.
- Pimped out P.O.S. cars. Like the Chevy Cavalier is not a car that needs neon lights underneath, or a spoiler, or racing stripes. Or a fart box. It's ridiculous!
- Little kids. They make me smile and laugh. :)
Just a thought:
How many people would be able to believe being called "an amazing girl" by three of their exes in as many days, especially if those three exes are the ones who ended the relationships?
Lol. Just what I'm dealing with at the moment. Seems like they're just telling me what I want to hear.
Lol. Just what I'm dealing with at the moment. Seems like they're just telling me what I want to hear.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
How I failed today...
I was up at a lake north of school for the past three days, and today me and one of the leaders of the group went kayaking. Now, this isn't really a big deal for me, since I've been quite a few times on the bay at home during various school events of summer programs.
we had a good ride, going almost all the way around the big lake and both of us weren't really tired. We got to a point, though, were we could see our retreat center straight out across the expanse of the lake. My partner said something, and just at that time, a resident of the lake started up a leaf blower to clean off the nearby dock. Well, I asked her to repeat it a couple times, being too far away to read her lips as I usually would have. So on the third time, silly me, leaned in to hear her. Well, I was on a kayak, and whoever has been on a kayak knows how unstable they are, especially the plastic ones, compared to fibre glass.
I flipped it. YUP. I flipped the damn thing. Well, I flipped it back over, and realized that there was no way i could get back into it. We were about twenty yards from a dock, so I swam and drug the thing behind me. Now, luckily, I'm a very strong swimmer and was wearing a life vest. So getting there was no problem, but swimming with something attached to you that's bigger than you is like being a wet washcloth.
Anyway, I made it there alright, and managed to climb up the dock and try to get back in. Failure times two. I flipped again since the thing was full of water. So I tried again, thinking maybe it was just me being a ditz. Failure times three. Flipped again.
So then my partner realized that there was a set of steps on the other side of the dock, so I swam over there, pulled it up, or attempted to. I couldn't get it up the damn steps, the thing was so full of water. I did manage to get it up on the steps a little bit, where I was able to turn it a little to get some of the water out. I then could get in the thing, but it was still pretty full with water, and it felt like I was sitting in a bathtub. And when I tried to row, however, I flipped again.
By this time, I was fully frustrated. But then I realized that it only made sense to not flip the damn thing upright again, and pull it up the steps upside down to drain it of water. I did it, got it up fine, drained it of almost all the water, and got in, completely stable.
So, I failed a good four times today. HOWEVER: I did manage not to lose anything while I was being flipped around. I had sunglasses on my head, and managed to grab those, flipflops on my feet, and a shirt that I had discarded earlier in the ride. And, I kept my retainer in!
I may have failed terribly, but I win too! ;)
we had a good ride, going almost all the way around the big lake and both of us weren't really tired. We got to a point, though, were we could see our retreat center straight out across the expanse of the lake. My partner said something, and just at that time, a resident of the lake started up a leaf blower to clean off the nearby dock. Well, I asked her to repeat it a couple times, being too far away to read her lips as I usually would have. So on the third time, silly me, leaned in to hear her. Well, I was on a kayak, and whoever has been on a kayak knows how unstable they are, especially the plastic ones, compared to fibre glass.
I flipped it. YUP. I flipped the damn thing. Well, I flipped it back over, and realized that there was no way i could get back into it. We were about twenty yards from a dock, so I swam and drug the thing behind me. Now, luckily, I'm a very strong swimmer and was wearing a life vest. So getting there was no problem, but swimming with something attached to you that's bigger than you is like being a wet washcloth.
Anyway, I made it there alright, and managed to climb up the dock and try to get back in. Failure times two. I flipped again since the thing was full of water. So I tried again, thinking maybe it was just me being a ditz. Failure times three. Flipped again.
So then my partner realized that there was a set of steps on the other side of the dock, so I swam over there, pulled it up, or attempted to. I couldn't get it up the damn steps, the thing was so full of water. I did manage to get it up on the steps a little bit, where I was able to turn it a little to get some of the water out. I then could get in the thing, but it was still pretty full with water, and it felt like I was sitting in a bathtub. And when I tried to row, however, I flipped again.
By this time, I was fully frustrated. But then I realized that it only made sense to not flip the damn thing upright again, and pull it up the steps upside down to drain it of water. I did it, got it up fine, drained it of almost all the water, and got in, completely stable.
So, I failed a good four times today. HOWEVER: I did manage not to lose anything while I was being flipped around. I had sunglasses on my head, and managed to grab those, flipflops on my feet, and a shirt that I had discarded earlier in the ride. And, I kept my retainer in!
I may have failed terribly, but I win too! ;)
Thursday, June 4, 2009
I can't seem to get over the annoying trait of finding myself in movies, books and songs.
"I guess it's hard for people who are so used to things the way they are - even if they're bad - to change. 'Cause they kind of give up. And when they do, everybody kinda of loses." ~ Trevor, Pay it Forward.
I think its true though, some people are so petrified of change. Ahgh,
"I guess it's hard for people who are so used to things the way they are - even if they're bad - to change. 'Cause they kind of give up. And when they do, everybody kinda of loses." ~ Trevor, Pay it Forward.
I think its true though, some people are so petrified of change. Ahgh,
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