I think someone, be it God or someone else, is trying to tell me that I’m not cut out to be a musician. Between high school and college and extra-curricular things, I keep getting screwed over.
Music was pretty much my life in high school. I did English stuff too, of course, but music was the one thing that I was in non-stop all four years of my career. I was the vice president of the Tri-M my senior year, as well as a constant member of the marching, jazz and concert band. I never got an elected position at all in the four years of the band. I competed in tons of Solo and Ensemble competitions as well as honor bands, but I never saw anything from it. I was not even able to hold on to first or even second chair my senior year. And when the award season came up – I didn’t get any of the scholarships available, nor did I even get any of the recognition of outstanding anything in music. I dealt with this for a while, maturely and as much as I could. It hurt, but I took consolation in the fact that there were just people more dedicated and better than myself. Now, I want those things even more. I just wanted something in music – since it’s the thing that I thought I loved the most.
And now in college, I am in a feud with the Department chair of Music. There was a stupid misunderstanding and now I seem like an ass. I gave up a weekend to do something nice for them – And I’m not even a music major. I am doubling with a music minor with my journalism minor. Well, not anymore. This is just too stupid. I can’t stand getting taken advantage of anymore. I work hard. I always have been. I am not one to give up, but this is ridiculous. I am dropping the minor – staying in band and my lessons until the end of the semester and am still thinking on if I will pick them up in the fall or not.
The only reason I’m in them is for Ravens, and I got fucked there too. The mellos are always getting screwed, and things just don’t matter anyway. I don't know about Ravens yet, but I'll make that decision later.
So, whoever wants me to give up – whoever keeps sending me these messages – you win. I don’t care anymore. I’m through sacrificing things for music. It’s not worth it.
1 comment:
Music is always worth it if you truly have a passion for it.
Just pick up music in a different way. Take piano lessons and pull yourself away from band. I don't know anything about the music minor at Manchester, but the one here isn't that brutal. Finish what you must to get it if you really want it. It IS worth it. I almost dropped my music minor earlier this semester when I realized that I just don't get the more advanced music theory or ear training at all. I took a step back though and realized that my roadblocks to finishing my music minor are a semester of music history and fitting one ensemble in my schedule. I can do that.
Don't drop the flute lessons either (unless that's what you really want). You didn't spend all those years playing the flute for nothing. Drop down to a one-credit lesson (if you're in two right now.. again, I don't know how Manchester works).
Just pull yourself out some so that it's not stressing you out, and trudge through. You love music. Don't let other people get you down about it.
And don't look at anything in North County as a basis to judge yourself as a musician. You know nothing in that department was done fairly. It was all a game of favorites. Don't stress yourself out over that.
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