Why I don't Sleep

If you know me well, you know that there are spurts of random amounts of time brought on by random events in which I either don't sleep or sleep hardly at all.

This is one of those times.

And it's not because I don't want to sleep. I love sleeping. In fact, it's one of my favorite things to do. There is little better than laying down and not having to worry about what time you're going to wake up to go do something. Dreams are a way that you can easily get away from the real world, but like that real world, you have little control about the topic they follow.

So no, I do like to sleep, and I do want to sleep. I'm more often than not exhausted and completely tired, but when I go to lay down, sleep never comes.

To explain this in the easiest way, I just can't stop my mind from thinking. As I stretch out under my covers, my mind continues to race as my body relaxes. There is nothing more annoying and absolutely maddening as having every muscle in your body relaxed, but still having your mind wide awake.

And, valued readers, it's not like I'm going through any kind of tragedy in this point in my life. Sure, I have a lot to do in the life I'm living, but I try to make it that I'm not missing any deadlines, I pay my bills on time, and I do my homework before I lay down so it won't haunt me while I try to sleep. But try as I might, my mind doesn't cease to think and worry for me as I try to rest myself up. even in my personal life, there's nothing completely pertinent that should keep me up at all hours. Those who know me know that I struggle with some things day in and day out, but those shouldn't be enough to keep me from the precious sleep that I need.

And yet, somehow, it does. I find myself obsessing over things that aren't mine to obsess over. As of late, I've been writing a story that is not of my own, trying to put my own words into situations, feelings and thoughts that I haven't been through. I find myself researching things that effect this story, things that are tangible to other people so as to try and understand exactly what happened. I obsess over the things that I don't know, and wonder if there are ways that I have overstepped boundaries, or reasons that I have given to not get these in return. I worry about things out of my control, thinking the worst and playing out scenarios of how things might be if those terrible and sometimes far-fetched worries came to fruition.

I can't help it. I don't really think anyone can.

Take sleep aids, someone has told me. Well that would be nice, but the interesting things about sleep aids is that they do knock you out, in the fact that you're no longer conscious, but hardly ever do you actually get a restful sleep with them.

Besides, in the dark and the still of the night, there's far too much that can be done instead of wasting it sleeping.

However, tonight I find myself struggling to understand something that I will never see again once I pass this class. Something that is completely useless to me as a person, and yet, because I am ambitious and crave a good grade to raise my overall GPA, I stay up until all hours of the night trying to figure the damn thing out. While I struggle with that, though, other, more interesting things call my name and I find myself once again being distracted by things that seemingly warrant my attention more.

Who the hell needs physics, anyway. I'm going to be a writer, so I'm going to write, damn it.